Sometimes I would talk to my friends in Atlanta and they would ask if I had seen Aaron lately. I always felt it was an odd question. Like asking someone if they had looked in the mirror lately. I never felt that I was apart from Aaron.
It’s hard for me to talk to you about him. I’m not sure I can convey what I really experience and feel about Aaron. I’m not sure if the words I say mean the same thing to you as they mean to me. I think we all reference what we hear others say based on our own life experience. What we experience in life is unique to us as individuals; that’s what allows us to relate to what others are trying to express. When I need to call upon my life experience to define my emotions, I have my wife Shannon, my son Will, and Aaron Barnard.
If you ask me what love is…what do you experience when you sense love? It’s Aaron Barnard. And I don’t mean to say simply I love Aaron; we all do, but that feeling is synonymous with him to me. Friendship, Brotherhood, trust, compassion, optimism. Those are all things I am able to perceive through my experience with Aaron. I haven’t so far in my life been really able to understand religion and spirituality, but I’m pretty sure those will be defined by Aaron as well. The crying and emotional outbursts, well, I sound a lot more like Will than I sound like Aaron, so I’ll give Will credit for that.
And I know I’m putting Aaron on a pretty high pedestal. But I just love my life experience with him and all that we shared. Whenever I think about the more common things that I love abut him, I think of his flaws, his quirkiness, his unique way.
It kind of brings the pedestal down a little bit. It makes him closer to me. It makes me feel better about myself.
Did you ever see Aaron dancing? He was possibly the worst dancer ever. I would get seasick just watching him. And I can hear him right now saying:
“Dude, at least I dance.”
I love to bicker with him.
I love the fact that Aaron spent so much time and effort to take an intensive foreign language study program in Spanish, but still can’t speak the language.
“Dude, I can speak Spanish, Yo Hablo Espanol.”
I hear you Bro.
Aaron and I recently started playing golf together. I really wanted for us to get good, or at least good enough. I really tried to keep a proper score so we could evaluate how we were truly playing. I don’t think Aaron liked that too much and a few weeks ago, he told me that he was going to record what he really should have scored on the hole, and if he took a couple of extra shots, well, he would just put a little mark on the scorecard for each extra shot he took.
“Gradually, over time, the marks will get fewer and fewer, and I’ll know I’m playing better.”
Whatever Dude.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. The last time we played I beat you by a stroke.”
You didn’t beat me Aaron.
“Whatever Dude.”
I still enjoy the fact that he took Sonoma County Cabernet that I made and gave it you guys as Napa County Syrah for his Sabrosa project.
“Dude, you’re not supposed to tell them that.”
Whatever Aaron. And don’t worry; we’re keeping the Sabrosa wine going. I knew you’d get me to make your wine one way or another.
“And I appreciate it.” He’d say justifyingly.
I guess what I’m trying to explain is that no matter what I simply love every aspect of Aaron. And if there is any solace that I can find right now, it is in knowing that I am fortunate to have the experience of loving, and being loved by someone, wholly, completely, honestly, and without exception. And maybe I do know now what spirituality is. I can feel Aaron’s presence in me, Shannon, Will, and our new Baby.
I don’t really know what else to say. Let’s keep that spirit and love going.
And Aaron, I love you.
And I can hear him say, “Dude, I love you too!”